Not Llama Fest

Yesterday Whit and I set out to go fun places without going to Llama fest. Mainly because I was hungry. So we went to the BK, well not really we went here, let's see if you can figure it out...




Then we went here....




Then we went to Nebraska...



This was kind of like a moses scene, through the weeds, artistic really.Miss Susie, Mary Mack, I can't figure it out, this obviously was harder for me than anyone else. Funny how that works. You would think I would jump at the chance to clap and sing simple poems.

A woodland table shot
We were scavenging for food...We were so hungry, so far away from home and lost none the less.

Whit hanging out, looking cute as usual.

Me walking in the FREEZING river, I thought my feet were going to ache off.

The of course this band of mid-evil knights attacked Whit and I. So of course we kicked their trash, and beat them down until only their armor and their peasant tops were left behind.

What is this? is it true, oh my word yes!

it is a VW beetle with a lift and monster tires


THEN!! we happened upon a friend whom we decided to bombard because we like her or something. Way funny Lora that could use a pick me up.




Yes I am being a fish, can you tell where I am ?
Lora's last name really is Grass, what an amazing family



The highlight of the night, so on our way back from Lora's, I drove Whit past the Zuber's house. I hadn't talked to them for a long time, so it was a good visit. We come in and sit down and Peter says to us "hey I am going flying would you guys like to come?" So I look at Whit and say "oh yeah, they have a plane" and wouldn't you know, my prankster like reputation followed me and Whitney wouldn't believe they had a plane. So we had to go then.

Ow ow, and this time Whit, I am saying that in a hot sense, not because I hit me in the face twice.

Whitney in the cockpit, abviously being the co-pilot . working with the controls, learning how to get us out of the plane if we have to escape, looking up coordinates, scanning the skyways for on coming flyers, preparing the missiles.
Talking to the tower, you know amazing niner ten four good buddy talking-only people that were pilots would understand. We look amazing in our headsets, all official like


The amazing sunset that obviously isn't nearly as great as it was in person as it is in the picture
Perfect spy, look at Whitney take control of the skies.

Looking up the coordinates in the big green book, numbers and things only a co-pilot and would really understandThe Y from above


Timp, it's so big!
this is the view south of campus I think you can see park place, at least you could without the camera
BYU, well most of it we were flying so fast.
And the temple, you could see it from wherever we were.

After the flight exiting the plane, and yes that is me in the background getting out of the plane like an ostrich.

Ahhh....much better, standing like a normal person at the end of our adventure . What a great day, and all because we decided not to go to Llama fest, who would have thought.

Things That Make Your Heart Hurt

You know when you suspect something is going on, but you choose to ignore it, or you try to confront it and you can't ever pin down the problem. Then later after everything falls apart you find out this vital information that existed at the time but you had no idea. Had you have known it would have been ideal to have had all the playing cards on the table. Yeah...I hate being lied to.

In all of my dealings with jerks, and people who straight up are just mean to me (this is not a pitty party) and the people that I have lost touch with, or just wasn't real great friends with, I am grateful for the chance I have had to experience times where these people where the exact opposite. Not only that, but today I realized that during these euphoric times that they must have really touched me in one way or another because I have kept something, such as a note or a dried flower, that reminds me of that time in my life. Not that everyone I know is a jerk or is mean but relationships change and it warms my heart to know that somebody cared at one time. a few of those things being:

a card that goes in a thing of flowers sent by greg to me the day after he gave me a concussion- all it says is "greg" on it, but I do remember what those flowers looked like and how wonderful I felt because he did that for me.

Or the present bow that ashley lowham sent me in the mail for my birthday my freshman year of college. she was always sending me stuff and brightening my day, and i am not sure that she knows how much that meant to me.

How about the amazing set of ninja turtles that someone gave me because I apparently told them how much I had wanted them at one point in my life-so cool.

Or the letters that I get from Jordan Ward a little girl that was my miss idaho little sister for who thinks the world of me and has enough faith that I will continue to write her back, which I should be better at.

Not to mention the way amazing note made of screws, nuts and wire that I got from alan a long time ago that made my year that still hangs on my wall, it's missing two nuts though, they fell off.

And the princess pillow my mom made for me out of nowhere, eventhough she thinks I am silly she still supports me anyway.

I can't forget the chocolate candle I got from mandy and eric a while ago because they thought about me on their honeymoon, it's not what you think, they when to hersey penn. and got me something cool.

I love the cow bobble head I got from ashley's mother because a year ago she was in the store, saw it and was reminded of me. I hardly ever talk to her and she has a thought every once in a while about me.

I still have the cute little book from amanda hawkins that she gave me for some reason that has cute little pictures of a bunch of girls all dressed up, it's way cute and I like to pull it down every time and again.

I have my golden ears from my hometeachers that took me to disneyland last year. they were pretty amazing boys let me tell you.

I can't leave out the dirt that I have that people have brought back for me, kyle taking the lead with chile AND texas, Sean with montana, ashley/wyoming, Carrie's is cool because it's from buckingham palace.

while this may sound silly i think I even still have a twig from justin Krogue freshman year when he pulled it off a tree turned around and said "keep this forever" and I did in my jacket pocket.

I guess I could go on forever, and maybe one day I will. I think the next time I will list all of the things that people have done for me- it's so much longer. That is probably for the best as I am feeling pretty depressed lately, I think making a new list of blessing I have had in the last little while might pull me out of that as it humbles me and makes me more grateful for what I have.

I bet things will get better. I had good intentions, I did what I thought and felt was right, I may not see the benefit as I have risked a lot and lost it all and don't feel like there is an end. However, I am sure that (in the words of mel) what doesn't kill me will make me stronger, after I wished I were dead. Good ol DT.

confesions of an ex-beauty queen

There is one time in my life I have taken a beauty tip from someone seriously as though it was going to truely benefit me in one way or another. Not to say that people haven't tried, but I really put some faith into this endevor. Virginia, before she left for who knows where she left, bore her testimony or gave a RS lesson and talked about depression and little things to do to make you happy. Not that I have a problem, but I felt I could use the pick me up.

So I paid money for this helpful hint of virginia's, and while it's probably a waste of money, and to be honest I don't believe that chemically it's helping me in one way or another, it has provided a means to boost my confidence. No I am not going to say what it is, that is a part of the specialness of it. I guess all I am trying to say is, I do listen in church. and even though it may not seem like it I do benefit somewhat.

Heidi's Graduation!

This weekend I went home for My little sister's graduation from fruitland High school. This year was a good one to be present at for there was a new principal whom nobody likes. Of course is reputation continues to go down hill as he sugests things like changing the school colors and the mascot, and requiring ugly school uniforms.

However as far as imediate effects go, The prinicpal told the seniors this year that there would be no praying at his graduation, that there was to be no funny business-all formal-and that he would be moving the tassel instead of the class president as tradition has always been.

Well wouldn't you know that the students would not like that so as we sat down to begin the commencement, and the two students welcoming everyone split their duties and one said a beautiful long prayer. After which the principal had some words with them and the atmosphere was a little tense.

The speakers were two teachers from the high school who did a comidic speech walking around the graduates instead of standing on the stage which was frowned upon, and at the end, the two final salutitorians stood up, said their speech and then "due to tradition" invited the class president up to the stage to say a few words. As you might guess she then moved the tassel, and beat the prinicpal to the punch. oh yes, he wasn't happy.


Oh heidi is so cute, and that is my dad in the background
Me and Heidi's tassels her's is orange white and black and mine is silver instead of white, we are having an argument that should be remidied- so all of those that think that silver is better than white please post your ballot


The guy at the wall asked me if I wanted to climb the rock wall, to which I replied "oh I don't know, I haven't done that since my own graduation party" and the guy looked at me funny and then I realized that I looked like a high schooler and I was embarassed, as was he, so I changed the subject and told him I would love to climb the wall because I didn't want him to feel dumb

Swinging like monkeys, the black rock just out of the picuture was a hard one and nobody could grab it.

These shots were mid air as they would start on one rock on the lower wall and then jump up to the rocks above the ledge, it was fun enough to watch and they were thrilled I could get these shots

More messing around and playing in the kitchen nothing really was happening here at all. Except where I pulled out my cap and tassel and we played with those.

TALL PAUL! and me of course
Me and Deric

Just messing around back at home before the all nighter

Me, Heidi and Deric- good thing Deric thinks he's so funny

They tried to get her to let them hold her, but she just sat and laughed at them
Heidi spent a lot of time with the boys in high school, I think they are all fun and by all means, they think I am the cooler sister anyway
Heidi and two of her little buddies- Destiny and Mackenzie (I thought it was pretty fun too that I left destiny behind but still didn't miss her because I had a destiny here)
This is me and Michael Fewkes, the kid who changed the pricipals plans at the last min and asked that the class president come up and move the tassel, rather than the principal who seemed to think the graduation was all about him

This is heidi right after she got her diploma! yeah! woo woo! it was quite the cerimony. We had an illegal prayer, and a bunch of kids that (much to the enjoyment of the community) messed up the principal's plans. I had a great time visiting old friends, the usual when you go home things. But taking pictures was my real, only job, so that is what I did...here is a choice few.
Me and heidi...hmmm not real cute Begging heidi to keep her hat on so we could take lots of pictures.
No matter how many times we told heidi to keep her hat on she would always take it off so then we had many moments of her putting it back on again
My dad, heidi and mom

I Quit

I quit, litterally, I am sitting on the bench. However I mean that in other ways.

I quit school, I am never going to be nearly as good as the kid that is one step above me so why try.

I quit playing the piano, or any performance for that matter, because it doesn't matter the preparation or the lack there of-I still choke everytime without fail.

I quit trying to be happy because I guess I am just not good at it.

I quit trying to work things out, because something without fail will back fire and I once again feel terrible because I can't make it better.

I quit trying to be helpful because I obviously haven't helped anyone in a while and anything I might try fails, doesn't work, is useless, it's a bad idea, is rediculous, uncredible.

I quit thinking that my opinion matters, because it doesn't

I quit feeling, because any feeling I have doesn't matter

I quit working, i hate it anyway

I quit washing my face because it doesn't help

I quit buying milk, because I have to get another gallon the next day

I quit eating because I obviously can't help feed myself and I am just gaining more weight anyway

I quit dating because it is uninteresting, I am far to stubborn, and independent to handle for a long period of time

I quit homework, because I never know how to do it

I quit my calling because I am not good at it at all

I quit walking because it is getting harder and harder

I quit having feet because the don't work anyway

I quit breathing because I can't stop coughing every time I open my trap

I quit portuguese because I obviously don't get it and I should

I quit sleeping because it takes too much time

I quit

fRusTRatiOns!

I hate wanting people to read your mind, but deep down, you know that you have to TELL them you want to punch them in the face, they aren't just going to figure it out.

Thoughts Late at Night

Expectations are insteresting. People spend most of their lives trying to live up to either someone elses, or their own. I expect that the rest of my blog will allude to this statement in one way or another.

I have always expected myself to live up to other's standards. Funny how what other people think shouldn't matter, but for me, I care a lot. I was raised to believe that being a good person for everyone else is how to be successful in life. Think of how wonderful it would be to not have any problems with anyone else because, well everyone is trying to be on their best behavior for those around them.In the last little while it would seem that this wasn't so. I haven't decided if that is really the way I feel.

I find myself consumed in the fact that the choices I made last week might decrease my "likability" for a long time. I hate to be disliked, and due to past experiences, I know that no matter what I do, someone somewhere wants to punch me in the face.

You just can't win. Being honest doesn't always turn out the best. It doesn't matter how you feel about it, if the other party has decided, that is the way they will feel, you can't change that.Being the girl that has a mind of her own, forms her own opinion, is stubborn about what she wants, and fights for the things she wants the most-not attractive, she now is hot headed, or too much to handle, intimidating, mean.

So you switch, every discussion turns to agreeing with the person, changes to accomodate, waits for good things to happen by working hard, and accepts that she can't have everything she's always wanted. is viewed as an idiot because she lacks qualities from the aforementioned paragraph.It's impossible to think people know what you are thinking and what you want. So you tell them, and what good does it do.

I don't think it's a matter of communication, it's a matter of needing an excuse to not have to act on what you think you should do. Nobody wants to be told everything, because then something has to happen about it. Decisions have to be made and risks taken, and change is hard to deal with.It's hard to feel passionate about something, work hard for it and realize it wasn't a two way street. Was all your effort in vain?

I expect to be treated like I am not five. I expect to be treated in accordance to the situation. If I am in the doctor's office yelling at the doctor about how he is a liar and my foot really isn't broken. I should expect to be treated as though I am an irrational adult and that I should suck it up and deal with it.

If I am good friends with my professor, I should expect him to treat me like a student, but a student he knows well, showing concern or appreciation for me as a person, but grading me the same as the other students. In turn I should act like a student, know when to draw the line from receiving help, and receiving favors.

I guess when it comes down to it, to know what is expected of you, you must first be told. Having been told you should act accordingly. However, avoiding the set presidence of what you should do, this takes away the responsibility. It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. I think I need to step it up, and take responsibility for what I do and say.

Good Song-oh YEAH!

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty houseThat don’t bother me

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out

I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me

There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok

But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most

Was being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go

But I’m doin’ It

It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone

Still HarderGetting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret

But I know if I could do it overI would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart

That I left unspoken

What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do

(Not seeing that loving you)

That’s what I was trying to do

Brit, Amanda and Mel during staff meeting at the gym.

I think we were supposed to be making sexy faces or silly faces?
Laurie, Sara, Mel, Brittney and Me still at staff meeting. We are obviously serious about our work. I am here at work adding this little tid bit of a post, mainly because I have an hour on tuesdays that I don't teach and Amy went to breakfast so I am here and I got everything done such as cleaning and I am watching 24 and as it isn't the same without everyone else, it's still pretty intense.

So This Is Dedicated To Tall Paul

Chalk on the sidewalk
Writin' on the wall
Everybody knows it
I love Paul

Tall Paul, tall Paul
Tall Paul, he's-a my all

Chalk on the sidewalk
(Chalk on the sidewalk)
'Nitials on a tree
('Nitials on a tree)
Ev'rybody knows it
(Ev'rybody knows it)
Paul loves me

(Tall Paul) [Spoken]
With the king-size arms
(Tall Paul) [Spoken]
With the king-size charms
(Tall Paul) [Spoken]
With the king-size kiss
(He's my all)
He's my all

[Instrumental Interlude]

(Tall Paul is my love)
(Tall Paul is my dream)
(He's the captain)
(Of the high school football team)

He's my mountain
He's my tree
We go steady
Paul and me

Tall Paul
(With the great big smile)
Tall Paul
(With the great big eyes)
Tall Paul
(With the great big kiss)
He's my all

Tall Paul, tall Paul

Tall Paul, he's my all

As for an update, I just smashed my finger and there are three guys sitting behind me and I am pretty sure they are too close to me for comfort, they are invading my buble. I don't really like to be touched (except for those few exceptions, you know who you are) so the fact that they are standing so close is driving me crazy.

I also had a pretty bad day at the classroom yesterday, but I have already vented to my venting source, so the blog is going to suffer with lack of information. My twin uncles turn either twenty nine or thirty on sunday and they are holding a birthday party, of which I am going to, because every one around here that has family around here does stuff with them, and these boys are my family dispite being my uncles they are like my brothers. Being unmarried, they and I are in the same situation and we tend to discuss it a lot.

I snuck a pop into the library today, yes I did something against the rules but I was really thirsty and I didn't want to throw it away and I had to meet my group. This is me having made a decision and justifying it later.

I have been thinking a lot about board meetings. A bunch of guys sit around a table with their suits and brief cases and they talk about everything that concerns their company. These meetings seems to be highly important. but what about the times that the board don't ever come to a decision? So they continue to sit there and keep meeting and debating for hours never getting anywhere. Finally, some decision is reached and they all go home to their plate of dinner in the microwave and their family already asleep in bed. Why do decisions have to be so final. Why aren't decisions made on a let's try this out basis. It seems like if I were a chairman I would be voting to try every option out and then coming back together to discuss results over the intitial "what should we do" and then say yes or no. Maybe it's a good thing I don't have a giant oval table and a projector screen with a laser pointer, my board meetings would be different.

I would probably have everyone bring food. oh my goodness I love food. we would also have the joke of the week contest, and then in the middle when everyone wants to rip their hair out we would take a "super supreme sommersault frenzy" break and all would be good until the end of the meeting when we have come up with a list of possible actions and we start from the top and see how it goes.

So what George?

I feel like I have been having a bad day-for a few weeks now. I even dream about having bad days and not being able to get things done. It's like I get so close and then something happens and I have to start over. For example: last night I kept having dreams one right after the other that kept contradicting one another. To top it off in each dream I would have a goal or project I was working on and when I thought I was going to pull it off, something subtle like seeing people pass in a car would upset the whole thing and I then would have to re-think what I was doing. Why is it when I am supposed to be resting, I am not. Kyle and Alan always talk about sleeping as a for of fast-forwarding, however over the last week my sleep has never been longer because I can't seem to escape.

I have been working at the middle school lately with some behavoral students. It's a special ed class so of course there are learning disabilities we are trying to work with as well. Today one kid kicked the crap out of another kid in gym class because kid 1 (by law I can't use their names) thought kid 2 hit him with a ball on purpose. Well kid 2 didn't really know what was going on and the cool part of the whole situation was instead of fighting back as usual, kid 2 ran away. however he has a terribly beat up face and he is in a bad mood and if I were him I would want a nap. They really are good kids most of the time and I like spending time in the classroom. Today one of the aides that comes in brought the ring he was going to propose with and then we got in this dicussion with the kids....

Time out: there is a girl next to me trying to use a floppy disk at one of the computers...am I just confused or did they not take those drives out like over 3 years ago? I feel bad because I wanted to tell her but she got up and left. Besides I was so confused because it seems like ages since I have seen a floppy disk.

....about conflicts and Leslie was talking about her and her husband and how they deal with conflict and then Talmage started being really sarcastic about he and his wife so then the kids asked me if I got into fights with my husband and I told them I wasn't married and one kid says "oh, huh...well do you have a boyfriend?" I said no and he then says "well then who do you fight with" the whole time thinking to myself "dispite my current relationship status, I have never had more conflict in my life." So I was deamed the loser teacher because I am not married nor dating anyone. It's really neat to work with these kids because at first they think I am just like the rest of the teachers that only come in for a few hours, stuck up and uninterested. However, the more I work with them the more they figure out that I really care about what they are doing. For example: so far I have been assigned to work with two kids more than the others individually for their homework. So they know I know some of what they like to do and what their skill level is and that I am proud of them. So today I was talking about how I had a portuguese test and when I left they genuinely wished me luck without me having said anything about it for a while, I guess my point is I am slowly getting "in" with them so they don't think I am the bad guy....

Time out: Samwise Gamgee goes to BYU I just saw him.

...like I said, they are good kids, they just need some good examples. I am lucky I get to work with them dispite the fact sometimes events that occur, like today, really shake me up a bit.

When I was little I was a really good kid. I guess it happens when you don't really have friends. But I used to be terrified of the kids that would cause trouble. I know I would hold a grudge against them because they couldn't follow directions and I didn't get how that was possible. So when I first started I remember feeling the same way, just annoyed this was all going on. I know I kind of felt better than them because I knew how to behave. However, boy I have been humbled. These kids have hard lives, and they are tried in many ways that I am blessed not to struggle with. I don't have crappy parents, I don't have a drug problem or do I have to be on medication because my hormones are imbalanced. I can read and comprehend with ease and I am not teased about imperfections I can't help. I don't have to work really hard to control my thoughts and I am not beaten, ever. If anything these kids are far better than me.

Moving on. I am going to the ballet tonight, and lucky for me, I have tickets to the game on saturday. I am SO excited. I might even paint my face. I love basketball and it has been years since I have allowed myself to really enjoy a game. (I have a problem where I get really worked up about basketball games because I get so into them, when I was little I would get so angry or excited I would have a heart episode. Needless to say, I had to quit playing to save my sanity)
My dad coached high school when I was little so I have been around basketball my entire life. I learned to take stats at a very young age, and actually I enjoy it. I miss doing them, I took stats for the boys team when I was in high school. One time I came home during college to visit and I went to a game where the person who takes stats had an emergency so they asked me to do it. oh boy I felt so important! I feel like this is random boring stuff so I will quit, I guess it doesn't matter if anyone reads it so I take back my appolgy. So what if you don't like it, it's your fault for reading.

My belt broke

So it seems as though my belt has been broken forever. Especially right now because I can't seem to keep my pants up. Even my relaxing pants don't fit anymore. they fall down all over the place. I have never had this problem before and it's annoying.

So funny story: I met with my research group on Wednesday. One of the girls in the group was just recently married and she, with her husband, are renting a house. The landlord decided it would be fun to make a special pink set of keys for her house with sparkles as well as a little key chain tag that labels the key ring. The landlord wanted the handwritting to look nice so he asked his 20 year old secretary to write Our House Keys on it. When the girl in my group got the keys from the landlord he told her about the secretary and his excitment about the keys, and that as he was driving over he noticed that the secretary had written "Are House Keys" and he thought it was so funny he left it that way. Good times.

I have a cold, and I hate it.

Post 2

So it's obvious that I haven't been on in a while because I just read all of the comments made on the fact that I need to update everyone on my life and the developments there in. Well that's funny because all of you that are telling me to tell you that I am dating someone, well you already know. Thus I am going to update you on things you might not know about my changing life.

I cut my finger on top of an already existing scar and I am not really thrilled because I am sure that is it going to get a lot bigger. the scar I mean.

I bought a new CTR ring since my first got lost my other really doens't fit the situation anymore. It's cute and all silver.


Today has been a year since my Aunt passed away, so I am feeling a little tender and incredibly homesick for my family right now.

I have been having some pretty intense dreams lately, I don't remember them, but I know that they are intense because I sleep hugging and cuddling my pillow all night and I wake up that way.

Macy fell between the wall and the bed and she isn't very happy with me right now

I did my laundry here in utah for the first time since july this week. only because I ran out of socks.

I re-arranged my closet, and I feel very confident that it will stay cleaner this way. at least for a little while.

My computer is still broken and it's driving me crazy because at least when it would turn on I could use the internet and write papers dispite the fact that it took forever to turn on.

I almost got in a car accident yesterday. I have been pretty shaken about it, but then not at the same time because obviously I am fine, and I haven't really told anyone. the reason being I am obviously fine.

I know that elephant rides at the circus cost $5.

And finally for the first time I got my Wednesday funny bugs class to really pay attention to me and see me as their teacher and not their babysitter. yes I had to duckt tape them to the wall, but at least they know who is boss. (this obviously is a joke because I am out of duckt tape)

For Sara

The other day Sara was kind enough to alert those of us who hadn't blogged in a while. So thanks to her reminder, I am taking the time to blog something for her benefit. Lately, I think because it is winter and I hate it when it is cold, I seem to be pretty negative about things. So I started a thankful list to make up for my resentful feelings toward the cold and the fact I have to walk in it.

#1 I am very grateful to have two legs that are the same length. I have enough trouble as it is finding pants and I can't imagine that would be the only downfall, think of the shoes and the toll it would take on your spine.

#2 I am grateful for jergen's lotion and the quality in which they produce their product becuase it seems to single handedly be the reason I still have fully covered knuckles.

#3 I am grateful for messy roomates. I was reminded on monday of how awful it is to live with people that are so particular about the way the house is run and cleaned and arranged that those around you can't get to know you because you are so consumed and can't relax, and every little thing becomes a battle. So when it comes to serious issues, they aren't addressed because the little things are what life revolves around.

#4 I am grateful for a car that heats up quite quickly.

#5 I am grateful for chocolate pudding.

#6 I am grateful for graduate student language teachers because it seems like it is the best way to learn a language.

#7 I am grateful for my endless supply of clothes and the fact that I get to choose something different to wear every day because my life style allows it.

#8 I am grateful for ugly things like the fish dress, my broken belt and my picture of Kyle, because I know that I have a one up on something.

#9 I am grateful for random comments made from observers that make me feel better about the way I was just treated.

#10 I am greateful for the no SHHH! Zone. there is no better place to wait for your group and blog at the same time.

#11 I am grateful for people to choose to stop me and say hi, because usually I never think they would find me interesting enough to pause.

#12 I am grateful for the kids in past classes that I identified as nerds or weird that probably never judged me and have taught me a lesson. even though I still have to giggle at some of the stuff they did and said.

#13 I am grateful for pictures-I guess they are just happy.

I guess I could go on forever, but I am supposed to be meeting my group somewhere around here and I guess they sooner I find them, the faster we can be done. I hate group work, and even more, group papers. but oh well I guess I will just have to complain about that some so I feel guilty and then come up with some lame reason why I should be grateful for it.

A Joint Statement from Amanda and Council Bluffs

Even though we are both stubborn and technically enemies, we have decided to be temporarily allied in a joint effort against Skuffs and Rebekah. They will pay. No reason to be alarmed, the world will not stop turning and random wrestling matches will continue. He doesn't realize the pains and humiliations he has caused the two parties in thinking that he, a Moticellan, can come across the parking lot and inflict prankage. Step off!

Pitty Party

So I am throwing a pitty party for myself. It's already started so forget trying to come. Just so you know, you aren't missing anything. First there will be a little bit of heavy thinking that causes my ears to burn, and then I won't say anything for a while because what wants to come out of my mouth shouldn't. Once this party starts going, I usually try and pretend like nothing is wrong, but in all reality there is. But what really makes this party what it is, comes with the pretending when I get up and leave because I don't know what else to do. I wish I wasn't like this. It's the shy part of me that I usually kick to the side because it gets in the way that gives me the invite to the pitty party. There are two times in my life that I can't control the shyness, one is like instances like this when my emotions get the best of me and the other is when I am put into a new place and my bravery becomes mixed with being shy and I turn out to be snotty. Neither one of these characteristics are really becoming of a person. Maybe-I someday I will be a world ruler and being snotty will come in handy when I have to deal with people waiting on me hand and foot. When I am this ruler, things will look up because, my snotty-ness will be able to compel me to buy some friends, who will be required to always think about the way I am feeling and then....Well being shy will never be a problem. Or someone could give me a car, one that has a DVD player in it so I could throw more high class pitty parties.

Pillow Fights

So like kyle, I am writing to appease council bluffs so next time I see him he won't harass me about my "inadequate blogging skills." Maybe I will write something juicy to make up for the fact, and then it will also create a buffer for me. However due to the nature of the stories, I will have to withhold some information, it's true.

Little tid bits about Amanda:
I have definitely kissed more than one boy, more than two, three....Do I dare keep going?
(I will make cookies for the person that can correctly guess how many people I have kissed, rules being first guess wins, only one winner. Roommates excluded, they will get a few cookies for their inability to be able to play, or maybe because I have gotten in trouble lately I will buy some veggies and dip for them)

Bit #2
I have been told "I love you" before, and I shot the kid down with "uh...Thanks, I like you too"

Bit #3
On my first date I went ice skating for four hours. During this time, the kid, whom I met at a stake dance, wouldn't let me skate with anyone else except for him and we had to hold hands the whole time because "I had never been before and he didn't want me to get hurt." being only 16 like I knew what was going on, haven't talked to the kid since, even though he got home from his mission little while ago and he goes to the singles branch and talks to my dad frequently. This was the worst date of all time for more information-I take requests.

Bit #4
I have broken a few laws, once was on purpose, and the other I didn't know, but apparently in Idaho it's a felony. These are besides the usual I was speeding. When I was in high school, I would clean after basketball games and collect the pop bottles and take them "across the border" to Oregon where they are 5 cents a piece. My friends and I went about once or twice a week, we earned about $150.oo. Now there is a big ol' sign in walmart explaining that people that bring bottles from Idaho over to Oregon are not in accordance with the law-blah blah blah fine this blah blah. And the other one was for our senior prank on the school we had arranged to brake into the high school and let a bunch of pigeons go in there and poop all over. We had plans to put some feed all over the floor and stuff. Every thing went well the door propped open, until we couldn't catch enough pigeons so it was going to take longer to get enough birds. Anyway, I guess you can't catch pigeons and cage them in Idaho that is a big no-no. The end of the story as a side note goes, we went to go and close the door and I guess while we were out someone came and spray painted the school writing the class of 2004 all over the place and other unmentionable pictures. So the next day I got called into the principles office (this happened a lot) and questioned about it because the class pres. Usually heads the prank and so that was just great. So then the prank we were going to do was foiled and we couldn't do it because they had cops guarding the school for days, which was dumb because really, was someone really going to come back with their spray paint buddies and have another go? uh..NO.

Bit #5
I missed 28 days my first semester of my senior year and 26 the second semester. In my school if you are absent for more than 3 days you have to take finals for all your classes, I never took any finals. And, I only had trips half of those days, meaning there had to be another reason for being absent...........Which won't be revealed unless bribed, especially how I got out of it and got it excused.

Bit #6
I read two books for classes my entire high school experience. I was supposed to read about 15. I also got As on all the quizzes.

Bit #7
I was kicked out of class once and told not to come back in, so we played hockey in the hallway with deodorant cap.

Bit #8
Had a favorite makeout spot in the Ag Shop at school. Wood shop room.

Bit #9
I have been to a bar, the unexciting part is I just went in for the sake of going in. The even more unexciting part: due to the change in my age occurring in about a month I will be the new kid that can buy beer for people, (won't, they know that too, but it doesn't mean they won't try and ask) have to be a designated driver for a few people this upcoming new years eve, or I could stick with my original plan and leave them there! haha, they know I would do it too.

Bit #10
The longest I have gone holding a grudge against someone and purposefully not talking to them, nor trying to contact them was almost 7 years.

If this isn't good enough for you CB I can do better I am sure, but you are going to have to prove that you can whoop me in pillow fight, or tackle me and make me eat manure first.

Stalking is bad

nobody like people that stalk, and everyone should stop stalking eachother. That is from my advise corner of the day.

to your left you will notice my Mary Kay Shrine. For some odd reason that nobody knows about, I stalk the mary kay people and obviously they like it. This entry today was mostly posted in honor of my stupidity in being suckered into buy things that I like and not that of which I need.

So I am standing here, watching carrie, chelsea and sara cuddle with eachother carrie's bed. Luckily for me, my bed remains to be taken and I think I am going to keep it that way. Oh the awkwardness of chlesea's arm being taken over by carrie. Why is it always a competition with chelsea? First she like's carrie more than I do, and now her wall is better than someone elses, what is up with that, ug, give it up. I wish they would stop squealing, it's creapy. Kinda like stalking. One time I was in the periodical section using one of the computers really fast, you know the ones on the oval tables and this kid sits down and starts making comments like, "oh finals" and he is talking to me, but I just gave him a pitty noise and got up to leave. So the kid stops me and asks me what my name is, and of course my last name and why would I be smart enough to not say anything, i was just being friendly. Anyway to make a long story short, he then proceeded to ask "don't you live south of campus?....aren't you in the 23rd ward?...like on 7th and 7th?....You study on the second floor every day isn't that right?" Needless to say I was creaped out and when I was like "well I have to go" he says where are you going? and I replied "uh... up to another floor or something and then I walked out to the big stairs pretended to do something with my bag, checked to see if he was following me and then booked it for the door. I have never ran so fast in my life. I hate stalkers, why can't everyone just stop stalking and cuddling and caressing around me, don't they know that I am lonely, while I prefer my space, it just reminds me how noboy really cares what I do on the weekends, if I date anyone, or that I am not the chosen one to sleep with in this freeking room!*

*all of this is said with a large smile on my face because of course I think my roomates are a hoot!

Where is that simple life of mine?

Obviously this has nothing to do with my blog, but, I like posting with pictures. For anyone that cares, and that probably isn't many, this is Isaac my cousin and we were just having fun with the camera.

I had the craziest day, some things are really too personal to share but I will tell you that I did two good deeds today, one being I found a lunchbox and as much as I thought it was AMAZING, I gave it to the lost and found and the other thing was I didn't run over they guy in the cross walk, when I could have, I held back.

I was able to meet up with my RA from freshman year, randomly. We had a really good time catching up and I went and I met her missionary that just came home about a month ago. It's weird to have seen a ton of pictures and now, there is a real person to that guy. Nicole and I had a really good chat. I have been struggling lately with decisions I never expected to have to make. While these aren't life changing, I have had to learn some extreme self control and I really have to concentrate to make sure that I am consistent with the way I have chosen to handle the situation. While Nicole didn't know it, she was an answer to many questions I didn't know I had. This is why I feel my life is so complicated because I feel like I am having to catch up to it.

Lately I have felt very ignorant. It has come to my attention that I need to pay attention. Lately I have taken the stance of "nobody else REALLY cares what I do so I am just going to do whatever and enjoy other people, but they are too involved in their own lives that it doesn't matter what I am doing. This is not a negative thing, I just figure that I am a hard person to really get to know because I have a hard time trying to get to know other people. It's so strange that I will tell pretty much anything about myself if you just ask me, but I normally won't ask you. For those that I do ask, and have taken the time-the very few, There just seems to be something about you that I can cling to, and I really can't pin-point what that is. I am working on it though I need to be better about getting to know people.

That's all she "croaked"

Change, who needs it

I have a very hard time adjusting to new things. It's so crazy, but one of the hardest things for me to do is go up to someone and start a conversation. When I was younger, I didn't have a whole lot of friends and I lack in several social skills because of it. It's gotten better since I have gotten older but several things about relationships and other people still hold me back a little. For example: I laugh at everything, including myself. I think I am quite clever, but most of what I say, doesn't mean anything to anyone else and usually I just get stared at as if I lack mental capabilities. which is understandable, however I laugh at that too. One thing I have noticed about my social aspect of life is that I need other people. I have to have people spend time with me, and me taking time for them is how I show love. A little on that note is for the past 6 years I have had a best friend-always. Sure they have changed over time, but over all I have had one. I always have colin but that only counts half way because I need some attention imediately sometimes, I guess I am just having a hard time adjusting yet again. These last two years have been so crazy for me that I feel sometimes that I am so much older when it comes to some subjects. Like casual dating for me is just that, I don't get excited anymore about going out, or having delemas over boys, it's been a while since I have worried about it, mainly because I gave up or "Quit"caring years ago. I've noticed I don't flirt at all, and sometimes I am far to forward with other people because I just don't feel that spark. I love doing things with my friends and the new people I meet, but most of the time I just feel like the relationship I have with them will only be on the surface, I have such a weird past it's even hard for me to understand, I can't imaginewhat people think that try to get to know me. There are very few things I haven't done in life and I think that holds me back sometimes because I think everyone likes to feel unique and usually I did what they did, plus some. I am sure things will get better, and I have been working for a while to even stuff out in my life, but things are slow but sure and I enjoy the benefits I receive when I try and improve myself. maybe something great will happen this week.

Football Findings

Last night was the football game for Orem and Mountain View highschools, and as Graham is a football player for MV I was also there as well. It was a terribly sad game with score of 31 to 3 of course with Orem winning. But that is beside the point I want to express today.

When I go to these games with Colin's family, I enjoy them it's true, but I feel so awkward in that I am not a part of their family, but they always pay for me and buy me food. I also never know what his brother Alec is thinking, never nor his wife Melissa. I love them both, I think they are really funny and I think their daughter is adorable, but I just don't know how to act around them and I feel like I drop into this silent shy girl routine when I am with them. I dont' know, I am sure it will get better with time, especially when Colin comes back.

So I was talking to Colin's mom, and last night it really hit me that I am making a big decision to want to marry Colin and hang out with his family. Don't get me wrong I am still madly in love with him, it's just weird to think they will be my family someday and I am not sure that I really fit in with all of them. Last night though, his mom was asking me questions and telling me things about Colin and I and the way she feels about our relationship. She said one thing that I thought was kinda funny and I decided that I ofcourse don't spend enough time with them because she has no idea what I am really like, but she said that she thinks I am a happy person, all the time, and Colin isn't. Well he is very sarcastic and has a lot of dry humor, and he isn't very goofy. But I really love him for that. Anyway, she thinks that he is becoming a happier person because of his mission and he is with me and that made me feel good. But all of this talk about Colin and I, and how happy we are together really made me start to miss him last night, so by the time I got home I was in a really depressed mood, which was good because I got a lot done in my room, but I really wanted him to be there last night and he wasn't. So, I was totally out of it, which is a bad combination with speaking with people because I embarssed myself so much last night that I want to crawl in a hole. I tried to give counsel bulffs a children's book to look at thinking it was him that said he wanted to see it, and it wasn't it was his brother skyler. so when I walked in and said "I brought this for you" and he was really confused because here I am holding out a book about cows and he has probably talked to me maybe twice in my whole life. Then I played spades, but had no idea what was going on until the end when we were close to winning, they then had to explain how the game works. Basically I decided it was a good thing that Colin wants to marry me because doing crap like that isn't going to be appealing for anybody.