Change, who needs it

I have a very hard time adjusting to new things. It's so crazy, but one of the hardest things for me to do is go up to someone and start a conversation. When I was younger, I didn't have a whole lot of friends and I lack in several social skills because of it. It's gotten better since I have gotten older but several things about relationships and other people still hold me back a little. For example: I laugh at everything, including myself. I think I am quite clever, but most of what I say, doesn't mean anything to anyone else and usually I just get stared at as if I lack mental capabilities. which is understandable, however I laugh at that too. One thing I have noticed about my social aspect of life is that I need other people. I have to have people spend time with me, and me taking time for them is how I show love. A little on that note is for the past 6 years I have had a best friend-always. Sure they have changed over time, but over all I have had one. I always have colin but that only counts half way because I need some attention imediately sometimes, I guess I am just having a hard time adjusting yet again. These last two years have been so crazy for me that I feel sometimes that I am so much older when it comes to some subjects. Like casual dating for me is just that, I don't get excited anymore about going out, or having delemas over boys, it's been a while since I have worried about it, mainly because I gave up or "Quit"caring years ago. I've noticed I don't flirt at all, and sometimes I am far to forward with other people because I just don't feel that spark. I love doing things with my friends and the new people I meet, but most of the time I just feel like the relationship I have with them will only be on the surface, I have such a weird past it's even hard for me to understand, I can't imaginewhat people think that try to get to know me. There are very few things I haven't done in life and I think that holds me back sometimes because I think everyone likes to feel unique and usually I did what they did, plus some. I am sure things will get better, and I have been working for a while to even stuff out in my life, but things are slow but sure and I enjoy the benefits I receive when I try and improve myself. maybe something great will happen this week.

Football Findings

Last night was the football game for Orem and Mountain View highschools, and as Graham is a football player for MV I was also there as well. It was a terribly sad game with score of 31 to 3 of course with Orem winning. But that is beside the point I want to express today.

When I go to these games with Colin's family, I enjoy them it's true, but I feel so awkward in that I am not a part of their family, but they always pay for me and buy me food. I also never know what his brother Alec is thinking, never nor his wife Melissa. I love them both, I think they are really funny and I think their daughter is adorable, but I just don't know how to act around them and I feel like I drop into this silent shy girl routine when I am with them. I dont' know, I am sure it will get better with time, especially when Colin comes back.

So I was talking to Colin's mom, and last night it really hit me that I am making a big decision to want to marry Colin and hang out with his family. Don't get me wrong I am still madly in love with him, it's just weird to think they will be my family someday and I am not sure that I really fit in with all of them. Last night though, his mom was asking me questions and telling me things about Colin and I and the way she feels about our relationship. She said one thing that I thought was kinda funny and I decided that I ofcourse don't spend enough time with them because she has no idea what I am really like, but she said that she thinks I am a happy person, all the time, and Colin isn't. Well he is very sarcastic and has a lot of dry humor, and he isn't very goofy. But I really love him for that. Anyway, she thinks that he is becoming a happier person because of his mission and he is with me and that made me feel good. But all of this talk about Colin and I, and how happy we are together really made me start to miss him last night, so by the time I got home I was in a really depressed mood, which was good because I got a lot done in my room, but I really wanted him to be there last night and he wasn't. So, I was totally out of it, which is a bad combination with speaking with people because I embarssed myself so much last night that I want to crawl in a hole. I tried to give counsel bulffs a children's book to look at thinking it was him that said he wanted to see it, and it wasn't it was his brother skyler. so when I walked in and said "I brought this for you" and he was really confused because here I am holding out a book about cows and he has probably talked to me maybe twice in my whole life. Then I played spades, but had no idea what was going on until the end when we were close to winning, they then had to explain how the game works. Basically I decided it was a good thing that Colin wants to marry me because doing crap like that isn't going to be appealing for anybody.