In all of my dealings with jerks, and people who straight up are just mean to me (this is not a pitty party) and the people that I have lost touch with, or just wasn't real great friends with, I am grateful for the chance I have had to experience times where these people where the exact opposite. Not only that, but today I realized that during these euphoric times that they must have really touched me in one way or another because I have kept something, such as a note or a dried flower, that reminds me of that time in my life. Not that everyone I know is a jerk or is mean but relationships change and it warms my heart to know that somebody cared at one time. a few of those things being:

a card that goes in a thing of flowers sent by greg to me the day after he gave me a concussion- all it says is "greg" on it, but I do remember what those flowers looked like and how wonderful I felt because he did that for me.

Or the present bow that ashley lowham sent me in the mail for my birthday my freshman year of college. she was always sending me stuff and brightening my day, and i am not sure that she knows how much that meant to me.

How about the amazing set of ninja turtles that someone gave me because I apparently told them how much I had wanted them at one point in my life-so cool.

Or the letters that I get from Jordan Ward a little girl that was my miss idaho little sister for who thinks the world of me and has enough faith that I will continue to write her back, which I should be better at.

Not to mention the way amazing note made of screws, nuts and wire that I got from alan a long time ago that made my year that still hangs on my wall, it's missing two nuts though, they fell off.

And the princess pillow my mom made for me out of nowhere, eventhough she thinks I am silly she still supports me anyway.

I can't forget the chocolate candle I got from mandy and eric a while ago because they thought about me on their honeymoon, it's not what you think, they when to hersey penn. and got me something cool.

I love the cow bobble head I got from ashley's mother because a year ago she was in the store, saw it and was reminded of me. I hardly ever talk to her and she has a thought every once in a while about me.

I still have the cute little book from amanda hawkins that she gave me for some reason that has cute little pictures of a bunch of girls all dressed up, it's way cute and I like to pull it down every time and again.

I have my golden ears from my hometeachers that took me to disneyland last year. they were pretty amazing boys let me tell you.

I can't leave out the dirt that I have that people have brought back for me, kyle taking the lead with chile AND texas, Sean with montana, ashley/wyoming, Carrie's is cool because it's from buckingham palace.

while this may sound silly i think I even still have a twig from justin Krogue freshman year when he pulled it off a tree turned around and said "keep this forever" and I did in my jacket pocket.

I guess I could go on forever, and maybe one day I will. I think the next time I will list all of the things that people have done for me- it's so much longer. That is probably for the best as I am feeling pretty depressed lately, I think making a new list of blessing I have had in the last little while might pull me out of that as it humbles me and makes me more grateful for what I have.

I bet things will get better. I had good intentions, I did what I thought and felt was right, I may not see the benefit as I have risked a lot and lost it all and don't feel like there is an end. However, I am sure that (in the words of mel) what doesn't kill me will make me stronger, after I wished I were dead. Good ol DT.

confesions of an ex-beauty queen

There is one time in my life I have taken a beauty tip from someone seriously as though it was going to truely benefit me in one way or another. Not to say that people haven't tried, but I really put some faith into this endevor. Virginia, before she left for who knows where she left, bore her testimony or gave a RS lesson and talked about depression and little things to do to make you happy. Not that I have a problem, but I felt I could use the pick me up.

So I paid money for this helpful hint of virginia's, and while it's probably a waste of money, and to be honest I don't believe that chemically it's helping me in one way or another, it has provided a means to boost my confidence. No I am not going to say what it is, that is a part of the specialness of it. I guess all I am trying to say is, I do listen in church. and even though it may not seem like it I do benefit somewhat.