Thoughts Late at Night

Expectations are insteresting. People spend most of their lives trying to live up to either someone elses, or their own. I expect that the rest of my blog will allude to this statement in one way or another.

I have always expected myself to live up to other's standards. Funny how what other people think shouldn't matter, but for me, I care a lot. I was raised to believe that being a good person for everyone else is how to be successful in life. Think of how wonderful it would be to not have any problems with anyone else because, well everyone is trying to be on their best behavior for those around them.In the last little while it would seem that this wasn't so. I haven't decided if that is really the way I feel.

I find myself consumed in the fact that the choices I made last week might decrease my "likability" for a long time. I hate to be disliked, and due to past experiences, I know that no matter what I do, someone somewhere wants to punch me in the face.

You just can't win. Being honest doesn't always turn out the best. It doesn't matter how you feel about it, if the other party has decided, that is the way they will feel, you can't change that.Being the girl that has a mind of her own, forms her own opinion, is stubborn about what she wants, and fights for the things she wants the most-not attractive, she now is hot headed, or too much to handle, intimidating, mean.

So you switch, every discussion turns to agreeing with the person, changes to accomodate, waits for good things to happen by working hard, and accepts that she can't have everything she's always wanted. is viewed as an idiot because she lacks qualities from the aforementioned paragraph.It's impossible to think people know what you are thinking and what you want. So you tell them, and what good does it do.

I don't think it's a matter of communication, it's a matter of needing an excuse to not have to act on what you think you should do. Nobody wants to be told everything, because then something has to happen about it. Decisions have to be made and risks taken, and change is hard to deal with.It's hard to feel passionate about something, work hard for it and realize it wasn't a two way street. Was all your effort in vain?

I expect to be treated like I am not five. I expect to be treated in accordance to the situation. If I am in the doctor's office yelling at the doctor about how he is a liar and my foot really isn't broken. I should expect to be treated as though I am an irrational adult and that I should suck it up and deal with it.

If I am good friends with my professor, I should expect him to treat me like a student, but a student he knows well, showing concern or appreciation for me as a person, but grading me the same as the other students. In turn I should act like a student, know when to draw the line from receiving help, and receiving favors.

I guess when it comes down to it, to know what is expected of you, you must first be told. Having been told you should act accordingly. However, avoiding the set presidence of what you should do, this takes away the responsibility. It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. I think I need to step it up, and take responsibility for what I do and say.