One last good-bye

Well now that I am heading back in the morning I am going to share some of my favorite moments about Idaho this Christmas.


This is me, Emma and Kaylyn and the oldest play tee pee I know about. It was old when I was little. Being around my family is always my favorite.

This is Luke and Kendal after they had just come in from sledding. They were all sweaty. We had this conversation about what they wanted to be when they grow up. They said they were too tired to really thing about it. They were shocked when they found out that I wasn't getting married any time soon and that I still chose to be in school.

This is a table shot at the single sister's stake thing that we sang at. It was an amazing brunch complete with journals for all and Heidi making faces at everyone.

Gavin got me and my family some tickets and we got to go to the BSU vs. BYU game. It was so fun, until we lost. It was a sad lose because BSU fans are loud and mean. I am a BSU fan because well lets face it I thought about going there and if you are from around here you have to pick sides and I like Boise State. But I chose to be on BYU's side, as well as my family.

I think this may be my favorite thing. My parents gave themselves this new bathroom faucet for christmas. It is the coolest thing. Each of us keep finding ourselves walking into the bathroom just to turn it on.

It's been great to get away. I have had a chance to really focus my thoughts and think about my goals for the next semester. I have had some great opportunities to go on some fun dates. Tomorrow I am going out with this kid from England for new years and I am excited. Then when I get back I guess with another boy named Cole. It's good to know that I have other opportunities to meet people in a fun environment.

I won't lie though my heart is torn and it's still really hard to go out with other people. I guess I am looking for that feeling of contentment. The one that comes when I feel like I can be myself and do goofy things, or have silly opinions with someone. So I can mess around. It's fun to think that I could be with someone that would sing Disney songs in the car with me. or watch cartoons. I really want to feel like if I rolled around in the mud, my condition would be endearing instead of revolting. Some of the guys I have been around lately didn't give me that impression. I have really only felt that once with anybody, the sad thing is I don't think they ever knew that. I know that I took him for granted.

My family must be feeling like I am going to following in my unmarried uncle's footsteps. Even my dad said today that I should throw out the 500 mile rule and just find somebody. It's all a joke really but we did have to talk about "my plan" today so this has been fresh on my mind. It's nice to get it out where it can all make sense.

It's hard when you want something so badly that in your mind you've probably made it up. I wish things were different most days. It's amazing the amount of things I wish for.

I wish I was done with school
I wish I had a million dollars
I wish I wasn't so cold toward people I still am not used to
I wish I had gone farther in the beauty pageant-this was unexpected
I wish there was more parking
I wish it wasn't so cold
I wish my dog didn't smell so bad
I wish I had instantly cleaning skin so I wouldn't have to shower, I would always be fresh
I wish I could trust more
I wish I were in love with Clark Kent

Gosh why can't being in love be different.

Christmas!

Well I am a lucky person. I got to give a Christmas to someone else, and I still got one myself. I had a hard time today because I felt like everything I got was a little extra-more than I deserve. Until I got something I wasn't expecting, and then it wasn't good enough. I made a bit of a stink really, and then I felt horrible for being...so petty. I still am kind of beating myself up over it, but
I will eventually get over it.


I also got to spend some time with my family thus far which has been pretty fun. Both sides actually, we went sledding with my dad's side and then we had dinner with my mom's. So fun. Here is a small sampling.
These three little guys think they are so cute. The one in the green coat Tanner wants 5 fridges, 200 pieces of candy, 18 water bottles and a laptop. He's like 4.



This is Jared's artistic design, "Life through an inner tube"





This is what I thought Jared wanted me to take a picture of as "life through an inner tube"







This is me and my Cousin Sammantha. A fun story about her name is my parents almost named me that, and then they didn't.


Speaking of names...I can't believe I never thought of this but I vow to name one of my children after myself and her name will be Amanda Lynn

.....I don't know why that isn't my name.

Be Honest

This is a true story, that I will probably use later on in some talk. Today my Math class sat down with our tests we took last week and self corrected them as the teacher gave the answer out loud. In the past he has always allowed us to take them home later and fix them for half credit. This time however because the final is next week, he had to let us take them without recording how many we actually had missed with the understanding that we obey the honor code and shouldn't have to think we were going to cheat.

Later in the period he acted as though we had 15 min left when it was really 45 min.

Nobody said a word.

He called us on it, he was testing us to see if we were really honest.

WE SUCK

Thanks Alan

The fifth time the gnomon strikes the pall of the intergalactic planetary alignment fractal, other dignitaries must adapt in a cromulent, forceful way. This complicates things for the Germans. For example, if a Sherpa were to attempt an algorithm analysis more intense than a rattlebear is typically able to comprehend, then we may find ourselves in a bind greater than some crappy global warming threats. I’m goin’ to the BK to eat with the ladies. The honeys. And the homies. Rattle rattle.

I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day. When it’s cold outside, I’ve got the month of May. I guess.

Happy thoughts,,,,,

I had a great date last night. I ate some wonderful food, and I kicked everyone's trash in bowling. Sad because it wasn't a good night for my scores. I was pretty self conscious because my coughing has become something of "every time I walk too fast, breathe too deep or even giggle a little, *hack hack hack* all over the place. SICK! However, it was so nice because it wasn't awkward, he even addressed the fact that he thought I should cough harder because there was nothing wrong with it and he understood that I have been sick. He also told the story about how he and I met for the other couple that came. Well they asked how we met, I was about to say something, but he interjected and said "Amanda doesn't really know." I obviously was there so I was a little confused. He continued with. "one Sunday she was walking past my house and my roommates and I were on our way to church. She said hi to my roommate Travis and was really friendly. As she walked away I said to Travis 'wow! she is hot! how do you know her?' (travis told him that I was in his ward last year) then he finished with "let's go visit her tonight."

Maybe I am a sucker, but I was quite flattered. The rest of the night was just like that. I am trying to figure out if I am developing a crush, or I am just flattered by the attention, because I do like that. He is a political science major, so I had a lot of flashbacks to the beauty pageant times during the date because he liked to ask questions about opinions and random things. I felt a little unprepared as far as current events go, and I haven't decided who I like as a presidential candidate. He was very analytical and kind of obvious about it, so everything I said was being picked apart, much like a judge would for a pageant. but all in all I am excited for next week when I might get to do it again....

I am in the library, watching friends and waiting for my class to start. I had dinner in the terrace in the Wilk, and I didn't realize that the floor was so bouncy. That was really annoying.

I was taking this beastly test and then I finished early so then I started writing a blog to transfer from the paper to the computer. Then I was all paranoid because I might actually hand it in on accident as my test, that would be bad. So I threw it out.

I thought I had it bad....here is my grateful thought

There is a girl in one of my classes that just had her first baby and the professor announced in class that she is in primary children's because she keeps having continual seizures and they can't figure out why. I may feel like crap but at least it's not scary.

Since there happens to be a little bit of love in the air. (I guess those who don't know I have had some random experiences in the last week with some people from home to express what marriage and forever means to me. My crazy friends from home, they have lots of random questions. I will include an explanation in appendix b)

I am going to place the standards of who I want to marry. However one disclaimer, I say these things but I may be a hypocrite, and I am prepared to eat my words.

I need him to:

Call me
Him to initiate interaction
Him to hold my hand first
Him to come up with some topics to talk about
Him to put his arm around me
to email or text me, whenever
To tell me how he felt, no matter what
to get mad at me
Initiate a makeup
I need him to need me


Maybe I am just a traditional romantic in my mind and not outwardly. Sometimes I imagine being rescued from a dragon. Being fought for thrills me as well. However, as I have been told from other people, I would only like that from somebody that I already like. So maybe that should be a standard of mine. When I was in high school I was accused of being dramatic. (this actually had a story behind it, see appendix B) Not a drama queen but loving the thrill of a big show. Maybe the thrill of somebody stopping me and demanding my attention is something I can't help.

Things I have learned lately

Maybe I am just having a really bad day, maybe I just need a time to focus on things that I should be grateful for. But here is a list of things that I have learned or have struck me with the "thoughtful" moment.


1. Breathing is an important part of life, when you can't breathe it sucks. I have never felt not being able to run or even walk a small distance, I may already have issues with my heart but I still can enjoy life.

2. There was an earthquake in Chili, my dad was in Chili....but everything is ok

3. You can't receive a liver if you have cancer, they frown upon helping somebody that has a good chance of dying over somebody else that isn't dying as much.

4. Meds do pack a punch in one little swallow.

5. falling down the stairs is really easy.

6. coughing can be a great ab workout.

7. when you cough a lot, you don't breathe out of your mouth thus keeping your mouth shut a lot, which makes you breathe through your nose, and then you get a sore throat-like I have.

8. No matter how old you get, somebody will always not pay attention in class and waste everyone's time.

9. If instead of trying to fix things the same way over and over, you should stop and try a new route because really the printer is a 1400 and not a 1400z amazing.

10. Asking for help is hard, accepting a compliment is also hard. Asking for help AND admitting you have a problem is hard too.

11. Keeping a secret secludes you from people, but telling the secret would embarrass you. sucks

12. Expecting good things all the time is a bad idea

13. Trusting people that disappoint you not a good idea either

14. setting a standard for someone else without them knowing will disappoint you too. That sucks too.

15. While orange juice isn't my favorite it's not that bad, I never gave it a fair chance.

Getting kicked in the shin hurts

I hate feeling helpless. Most of the time I feel helpless I feel like I have been kicked in the face and am so shocked and disoriented I can't think of what would be the best thing to do. Here are a few things I feel helpless about.

1. being sick. this isn't just any kind of sickness, Sometimes I will cough and start to gag enough that I choke. During my choking I think to myself, any min I could die because I can't breathe right now. Really every time this has happened I have been ok, but I still feel out of control.

2. School. No matter what I am inadequate as far as my work goes. I turn everything in feeling as though it's the best I can do but knowing that it won't be good enough. There is nothing I can do about that.

3. My car. I know nothing, except how to drive it and change a tire- I think.

4. My computer. We try to get along, but most of the time I am confined to what I already know because I don't know how to really explore all of the possibilities that "Todd" can do for me.

5. Social life. For the last who knows how long, I have suffered from lack of talent in making friends. I can make friends and be friendly to everybody, but as far as creating a long lasting well kempt friendship, I suck. I will forget, or be too busy or become impatient. It also hinders me from approaching people because I lack the nerve.

6. Decisions. In the past few years I have made some decisions, the basic decisions you would be expected to make. Go to college, find a job and whatnot. However, I have been working on bigger decisions and I am tired of deciding something and then having it not work out. I year ago I decided to not go on a mission and now I am regretting it, I should have gone.
I should have stood up for myself, I should have reserved my feelings I shouldn't have allowed myself to trust. I am now working on the next big thing, moving. I have been throwing this around for a few years now, but I held off because of reasons I will not name. In nevada if you sign up to work as a special ed teacher there they will pay for your education to become certified
that is pretty appealing and now, really what have I got to lose. I am starting to look into it.

7. Service. I really enjoy thinking of somebody else and doing something for them. It makes me happy to see them happy. However, sometimes I get shot down, or I get an attitude, or it's obviously the wrong thing (like making walnut cookies for someone that is allergic to walnuts.) and then I feel useless. like I can't make it better, as though one little mistake has set me at "retarded"
status for the rest of my life. A million good things won't do anything for a stupid one.

8. Reputations. Other's gossip, comments and opinions can not be helped.

9. Not Knowing. Always feeling as though there was something else going on that you didn't know about.

10. Love. you can't control it, it's not properly defined and love stinks but you have to have it be be happy. That's like giving somebody a cow pie cookie. There is only one chocolate covered cherry in there but most bites bring..eewww...then there will be one bite to beat them all. You can't help but eat the manure to get to the good stuff.

I don't know, I will think of more, it's late and I can't sleep because I have so much on my mind, I can't breathe properly and I am sick and tired of trusting things only to have them consistently fall apart, every time. Thanks Lil' for helping me do something new today, at least I have that.

The Antenna Ball Revisited

All of that whinning and being upset about the antenna ball really was squelched this weekend when somebody-still don't know who-bought and replaced my missing in action ball with a brand new one. I don't know who did it, all I know is that I love them.

I have been having a terrible time lately, and that was the nicest thing anyone has done for me lately, it's kind of topping a lot of things because of it's thoughtfulness. It was such a surprise, I have never felt so special-somebody took the time to fix my problem and make my day. I have tried to find out who it was, but my sources are weak and won't crack. (I had some good bribes). Anyway, who ever you are I have a special spot in my heart for you and how much I appreciate you can't be expressed in words. Thank you for making my year!

Oh Sleeping Time

Last night I had this intense dream! I hope I can remember all of it. I mostly just remember the end because it was so intense. I need everyone to keep in mind that this was crazy and it will be hard to follow if you don't have an open mind. oh yes and I am going to try and illustrate it the best that I can.

It was a dark and snowy night-it has been for days. And there is a force of evil within the ward that is causing a lot of tension and oppressive feelings amongst it's members. Our ward was kicking trash trying to get things done and they have started to move all of the singles wards into almost concentration camps, but actually very large churches. So these places are our headquarters, we all live there and the carpet was exceptionally nice. The unfortunate thing was church was our life. Of course we were required to still go to class and live life outside our chapel, but our business was extremely top secret-it had a very 24 feeling to it.

Well people started to disappear, and strange things were happening to our operation. We were suspecting that people were infiltrating our system. Katherine Gee, the head of my department was extremely concerned and was noticing many small things wrong with outside sources. Well mallory was having a hard time setting up her station. her mac was being replaced with a pc and her strange table wasn't going to cut it. So I was helping her set everything up and I noticed that the table was dangerous and something had to be done immediately. So Kyle and Alan left to rent a car for us to use and my dad lended us the keys to another church and we hid the table there. Well we decided that a twin bed had to go to so we got everything over there and the reports started flying all over the news that the bed had been stolen and to keep an eye out.

Lucky for us we had people positioned at the church to be decoys. The girls from number 11 were sleeping there and had created a floor over the top of the gym floor so hidding and get- aways were easier.

Well Alan and Kyle pick me up in the mini van that they rented and we made plans of how to get out of the state. All the while we are trying to stay in the shadows because nobody suspects us. So Kathrine gives us this flat screen computer with a remote keyboard to take with us for contact.

We pull up to the church and Cannon, Jordan, Sara and Ashley Simmons are all playing tag with their sniper guns that they have set to taze. Because of the delacacy of the situation we had to take the table and the bed, the bed mostly so we would have something to sleep on. well because number 11 has made this floor we can't get the bed to the door by the car so we decide to just get it outside and then drive the car to the bed.

WELL we get it out there and I got back in for the table and I see the cops driving around the corner. of course these are the fruitland Idaho cops and this officer happens to be officer baladez the resource officer from the high school. Well I yell for Alan to take cover because he was coming his way.

we thought we were in the clear for a split second until we hear him say inside his car "what the!" and he pulls a quick U-turn. So I book it for the car and when I get there here comes Alan around the corner and I have no idea how he didn't get caught. But for some reason his disguise, which was a boot cast on his left foot kept him safe. So he is hobbling as fast as he can toward the car.

once inside we decide that it's best to just leave Kyle behind then he won't be tied to the crime if we get caught and he can be the go between, whatever that means. So we slowly drive away to make it seem as though we have been there the whole time.

Then I wake up thinking to myself "We still have to figure out how we are going to get the rental car back without people knowing that we have it" so I almost called Alan to find out if he parked it in the Y lot.

Some people think they are SOOOOO funny!

Check this out, isn't it beautiful? I happen to like it a lot. In fact let me tell you how much I like (liked) my freaking antenna ball.

I went to Disneyland with my home teachers one year. It was one of the most fabulous trips I have ever taken. So I got the ball for my car-that didn't exist it yet.

The first unfortunate time, I went through the car wash and one ear came off. So in respect for how much I loved it, I replaced it.

So golden ear jr. was on my car last October when Alan and I went to Boise for my high school's Marching band competition. Wouldn't you know, some punk thought it would be funny to freaking jack one of my most loved possessions AT CHURCH!!! and then they replaced it with some gay mickey mouse, crappy antenna ball, with some nasty glitter all over it. I hope they stubbed their toes really hard that day.

THEN today, of all days, I am out with Kayley at the mall and we come out and some freak stole my antenna ball. Well I obviously yelled instantly "Are you kidding! somebody freaking stole my antenna ball..AGAIN!" I think I scared the people that parked next to me. They were really nice, they asked me what kind it was and I just laughed angrily about mickey mouse and Kayley just kept laughing at me, which probably made it better for me. Oh but I hope that this punk gets a rash from the glitter. Come on! how in the heck am I supposed to find my car now. I really enjoy the glisten off the ear as I walk around the corner. It's almost like it smiles at me. Not to mention the fact that this one was especially meaningful. Every time I looked at it I always thought to myself, "yeah, that one time that Alan completely surprised me, that was really great." I will never forget that, I felt so special. And now because some jerk took my antenna ball, I feel kinda crappy-like I did something wrong because not only did Alan really make an effort to get that to me, but now I lost it. I should have made it like a "fuzzy-dice" kind of thing, safe inside my car. Poo on the losers that took it.

The modified version

i felt like what I posted before was a little too much information, so I modified it and took out some incriminating stuff so other people don't really know who I am talking about. That way I can anonymously vent, and feel better as I don't have anyone to really talk to.


Whew, by the time anyone reads this my moment of need will have passed and it won't matter anymore. Yeah Idaho was great, kind of, being with my family was really great. Maybe it's car rides that make me angry but man I really wish I had somebody to talk to.

When it rains it pours...

So I am at home and my sister has a break down because she has no friends and she broke up with . so that was hard because she was really hurting.

My brother needed some help so my first night home I was up all night with him finishing this cell project for one of his classes, those pictures are to come.

and then I get this text from to say that we needed to talk. So calls me to ask if I am mad at , and well I wasn't. I really am just frustrated with the whole situation really. Mostly because it just seems like my friend bank in that area diminished. I was so excited for everyone to come home and then it didn't work out so well for me. It seems like I am avoided, that may not be the case. But I am afraid to call anybody.

So then my brother forgot his cell project key, so I had to take it into the school for him. I get there and drop it off then I get in the car and I pull off in front of the gym and throw the car into park (still running) and go give somebody a hug. wouldn't you know, freaking officer pulls up like he is going to give me a ticket, gets out of his car and sees that I am not a student, clearly as I am not wearing any of the "school uniform" that they have, which I am angry about that too. So the just says, "this isn't a parking spot" while he walks off as though he had to check something out in the gym. No, he thought I was a student and he was going to do something illegal, like give a ticket for no reason, but I was right there. bucket head.

So I didn't say anything to my family about because I have been working hard lately to make sure they like , and there isn't anything for them to be angry about. not that they would be mad, but they don't agree with what's been going on in the past year. So basically I had to pretend that I am not having a hard time, when I really am.

Then, for church, I show up, and nobody will look at me. Just a few people, like the bishop's wife, and people that know me really well because freaking has messed up and I am sure everyone thinks bad things about me because he can't keep it under control. or I had to tell them that I wasn't engaged-for the second time since I moved away, then I get this pitty, "awww don't worry it will happen for you" kind of comment like it's so sad that I haven't lived up to their expectations.

And then my is doing terrible. He is supposed to waiting to be put on a donor list for a new liver because he is really sick. My is like my dad. I am only a few years younger than he youngest sons, and he treats me like a daughter, almost as though I was his favorite sometime. I am mostly upset because last I hear he is waiting to get on the list, but I know I haven't been told a lot of what is going on. As a temple sealer he has said that one of things that would make him happiest is to marry , and I. As it is, that isn't going to happen at all. I guess I don't know what to think about it. I wish I had someone to talk to about it. But maybe typing it will make it all better, I kinda feel like I am telling a lot of people, but like I said before, not many people read this very often so I don't think I have much to worry about.

So then I have to drive home by myself and I feel like crap and my hip hurts really bad so I had to stop a lot so I could walk around. I feel like an old lady. and of course my thoughts are getting the best of me so I am just letting my mind go wild about everything that is bothering me. so by the time I got home, I really wasn't feeling very good. Actually I purposefully tried not to say much to people because I was afraid of saying something mean.

Then I dropped my dang computer, because the bag strap broke.

And I just wish things were different.

Comfortable Things

So in an effort to not study because I didn't really want to I found some pretty fun backgrounds for my computer. This one in particular is one of my favorites. It's called "sheeps." It must be from some movie I don't know about, but it sure is fun. I think the white sheep has just said "hey I really want to go on a date." and the black sheep is thinking, "How am I going to get a car for this. I just crashed mine when I was trying to jump it over the fence last night."


I wish there was a way to amusingly describe how I truly feel right now. But...I don't even know that. I am trying to decide whether or not to go home this weekend. For work the kids have a "Fall break" and I don't have class on thrusdays or fridays so I really could go home thursday morning and leave come back monday morning. I don't know, it's enticing. I have a habit of needed to be hugged when I am having a hard time, and I at least know my brother would cuddle with me. The more I think about it, the better it sounds. Perhaps I will.

Dedicated to Cannon

I won't lie, the only reason I am blogging is because cannon requested it a while ago. I am happy to announce that I don't have to go to the Salt Lake Center 2 times a week, it's only one now. AND I painted my nails yesterday and that made my __________. (Feel free to add your own length of time there.)

Work went well today. As much as some of the kids are pain in the butts, I really do like them, A LOT. I love watching Josh when we are reading the hobbit. I never thought anyone could really love that book, and he lives and breathes to hear that book some days. It's so neat when one of them finally getts what is going on, the light comes on. They just figured out that their homework is worth points so when they don't do it, they have a chance to make it up during free time. When they finally keep up, they get so proud of themselves for finishing, and that is really cool. They can see what working hard can do for them, if only they would figure that out long term.

It's also nice to be loved. Today one of them had work to do, but he didn't want to, so he just drew insead. So I gave him two options math or his worksheet. I had to take away points until he did one,He tired to draw instead. He got so mad at me, i was a little worried at first something might go down, but after a while he got out his math and totally flew through it. He was so excited , and so was I because he was able to control himself, which usually doesn't happen. but we talked about it later as a team, and we decided that he like a lot of them are developing an emotional attatchment, where they have grown to trust us. I can't describe how that feels, I have kids who depend on me to be emotially stable for them, because most of them don't have that, and while they haven't figured it out, they trust that I have their best interest in mind and are beginning to react to that. Maybe today was just a good day, but it was the boost that I needed. I just wish I could have that feeling of consistantcy and assurity in some aspect of my own life.

Not Llama Fest

Yesterday Whit and I set out to go fun places without going to Llama fest. Mainly because I was hungry. So we went to the BK, well not really we went here, let's see if you can figure it out...




Then we went here....




Then we went to Nebraska...



This was kind of like a moses scene, through the weeds, artistic really.Miss Susie, Mary Mack, I can't figure it out, this obviously was harder for me than anyone else. Funny how that works. You would think I would jump at the chance to clap and sing simple poems.

A woodland table shot
We were scavenging for food...We were so hungry, so far away from home and lost none the less.

Whit hanging out, looking cute as usual.

Me walking in the FREEZING river, I thought my feet were going to ache off.

The of course this band of mid-evil knights attacked Whit and I. So of course we kicked their trash, and beat them down until only their armor and their peasant tops were left behind.

What is this? is it true, oh my word yes!

it is a VW beetle with a lift and monster tires


THEN!! we happened upon a friend whom we decided to bombard because we like her or something. Way funny Lora that could use a pick me up.




Yes I am being a fish, can you tell where I am ?
Lora's last name really is Grass, what an amazing family



The highlight of the night, so on our way back from Lora's, I drove Whit past the Zuber's house. I hadn't talked to them for a long time, so it was a good visit. We come in and sit down and Peter says to us "hey I am going flying would you guys like to come?" So I look at Whit and say "oh yeah, they have a plane" and wouldn't you know, my prankster like reputation followed me and Whitney wouldn't believe they had a plane. So we had to go then.

Ow ow, and this time Whit, I am saying that in a hot sense, not because I hit me in the face twice.

Whitney in the cockpit, abviously being the co-pilot . working with the controls, learning how to get us out of the plane if we have to escape, looking up coordinates, scanning the skyways for on coming flyers, preparing the missiles.
Talking to the tower, you know amazing niner ten four good buddy talking-only people that were pilots would understand. We look amazing in our headsets, all official like


The amazing sunset that obviously isn't nearly as great as it was in person as it is in the picture
Perfect spy, look at Whitney take control of the skies.

Looking up the coordinates in the big green book, numbers and things only a co-pilot and would really understandThe Y from above


Timp, it's so big!
this is the view south of campus I think you can see park place, at least you could without the camera
BYU, well most of it we were flying so fast.
And the temple, you could see it from wherever we were.

After the flight exiting the plane, and yes that is me in the background getting out of the plane like an ostrich.

Ahhh....much better, standing like a normal person at the end of our adventure . What a great day, and all because we decided not to go to Llama fest, who would have thought.